Dating in modern times is more complicated than ever before. In the olden days, everything was about proximity and simplicity, and there weren’t so many other variables to consider. Social media, however, has oversaturated us with options and unspoken rules. From hard launching to soft launching, situationships to sneaky links, it feels like we’ve strayed far from the true meaning of courtship. 

This is especially true for those navigating how and when to take their relationship to the next level. How long should you just be dating? When is it too soon for labels? It’s important not to rush into anything, yet waiting too long can leave you feeling anxious and undervalued. So how long should the dating stage really last?

The Length of the Dating Stage

Many of those in the dating game, women in particular, are apprehensive about asking for clarity in the dating stage, as they feel like it feeds a notion of them being clingy and too attached. However, labels create a sense of safety and direction. Rather than pressuring anyone, asking if there’s exclusivity or intention within your dynamic manages expectations, reduces anxiety, and protects your heart. 

With that, many relationship therapists (including Esther Perel, Dr. Carla Marie Manly, and dating coaches like Logan Ury) note that the conversation should happen within three months. This is a long enough window to know what your true desire out of the partnership is, whether that’s proclaiming exclusivity, giving each other labels, or even taking a step back and reassessing. A simple, non-pressured check-in by this point is considered emotionally mature. Asking for a timeline is healthy, and labels protect emotional investment. If the person you’re dating doesn’t want to have any labels or clarify intentions by that point, it could very well be due to emotional unavailability, lack of long-term intention, or simply a desire to keep their. options open.

This is why many agree that by three months, you should have either defined the relationship or forged a clear plan for what’s next. By this point, any blurred lines can start to create a sense of anxiety, especially if there is someone investing more of themselves into it than the other.

People Weigh In

Truthfully, the timing will always depend on every individual’s persona and relationship. There’s no one size fits all fits all when it comes to timing, and it’s important to meet each other in the middle. You may be informed by a traumatic experience having the talk too soon, or letting yourself go neglected for too long. Rather than abiding by a calendar date, choose to have the “so what are we?” talk when:

  • You’re consistently dating and communicating regularly 
  • You feel emotionally safe with them
  • You’ve met each other’s friends 
  • You’re acting like a couple already
  • You genuinely want exclusivity or a spoken commitment
  • Ambiguity is starting to cause turmoil and confusion

With that, 21Ninety took to social media to survey the general consensus of how long one expects to be in the talking stage.

My free trial is three months max

I think the minimum a talking stage should be is six months, but it depends

For my current relationship, after about five or six months, I was looking around for answers

I’d say six months is the cut-off

I think it takes me four to six months to know for sure 

As a lesbian, I know within one day

Two months in is when I’d expect to have the convo

Three months for sure

Four months is too long to not have any kind of title but that might just be me

By two to three months, you should know if you want to be steady

I’d say three to six months

Three months is the limit

I’m on month two and we just went exclusive

If it’s consistent, two months. That gives them enough time to get their life together for me