For Martin Luther King Jr. Day, I had the day off and decided I wanted to watch all the black historical films that I’d been avoiding since 2012.

First, let me explain my avoidance. These films are just hard to watch as a black person. I take on the emotional burdens of these historical films depicting slavery or the Civil Rights Movement. My mind does not allow me to separate this being a movie made by Hollywood from the fact that this Hollywood movie is a depiction of actual events and occurrences that took place in the past.

In spite of this, I decided I wanted to be radical and not just watch one of these movies but all of them in one sitting. I wanted to watch Django, 12 Years a Slave, The Butler, and Selma. If I had time, I would throw in the Malcolm X movie. I dove in headfirst. I started with Selma, in honor of it being MLK Day. It had a few rough scenes that shook me to my core and made me cry. The police ruthlessly beating people with the batons, the violence, the hatred, the disrespect — it messed with me, but I kept going.

Next up, I tried to find 12 Years A Slave. I couldn’t find it on Hulu or Netflix. My friends later told me that God spared my mind because that movie is a hard one. One day I will come back to it.

Then I watched D’Jango, which was interesting. I liked it. It showed a black man empowered during slavery even though he was a murderer…hmm. What I hated most about this movie was the dog scene where a runaway slave was torn apart by vicious dogs. This was a heinous practice during slavery.

The Butler was next on my list. I was surprised by how great this movie was. It’s really powerful. The opening scene is a tearjerker. The rape and murder of Cecil Gaines’ parents illustrated the dehumanization of black lives during this time. Cecil Gaines worked hard and made his way into the White House, but he resented his eldest son who was a part of the struggle. His son was a Freedom Rider, a part of the Civil Rights Movement, the Black Panther Movement, and the Anti-Apartheid struggle in South Africa. These historical references added so much substance to the movie and portrayed just how challenging the times were. Certain parts of this movie hurt to watch. Cecil constantly fought to get paid equally, but was shut down and told he could quit if he didn’t like his pay. His work, although underestimated and looked upon as uncle tom’ish, made a huge contribution to the plight of our race and I thank the many black people working in domestic fields who spent their lives as humble servants just trying to make a living for their families.

Fast forward to January 19th, 2016:

By the time I’d watched all three of these movies I was emotionally beaten. I tried to go to sleep, but I couldn’t. My mind was having a hard time processing all of the injustices and wrongs against black people. I stayed up thinking for most of the night, and before I knew it I was running on two hours of sleep and my alarm was ringing for me to get up and go to work. I got on the Manhattan-bound 4-train and was listening to Ta-Nehisi Coates’ Between the World and Me via Audible. Coates was saying “I think back on those boys now and all I see is fear, and all I see is them girding themselves against the ghosts of the bad old days when the Mississippi mob gathered round their grandfathers so that the branches of the black body might be torched, then cut away…” his words pierced me.

history through film — Photo: bedlamfarm

It was time for me to get off the express 4-train and catch the local 2-train at Borough Hall. The train was already at the station so I had to run fast to catch it before it left without me. A black man held the door for me so I wouldn’t miss it. I smiled at him and walked to the center of the train. There was no seat for me so I stood up. I held on to the rail tight when I realized my heart was still racing from the small little run to the local train. It was going faster and faster and I was sweating. Coates was still in my ear so I turned him off. Suddenly I felt like I was going to collapse. The train felt like it was moving closer and closer in on me. I would black out and then be able to see again. I didn’t know it then, but I was probably having an anxiety attack. I got off the train at Wall Street and went back home. It just wasn’t meant for me to go to work that day. I took the day off just to process everything some more and to get some rest.

I say all this to show that our history is deep. Our history is filled with some truths that are hard to digest. Never try to jam it into one day like my crazy self. Take your time; allow everything you read or watch to process before you proceed. I don’t know why I wanted to jam all those movies into one day, but I did and I know better for next time. What was comforting to me was what transpired when I told some of my black friends what happened. They didn’t judge me; they completely understood and said they’d also had similar reactions, which made me feel like I was not alone. Confronting your history and gaining consciousness is not easy, but the knowledge you ultimately gain is empowering. After seeing what our ancestors have done for us, just so we can live as freely as we do today, you kind of feel like you have an obligation to them to be excellent and to never settle for mediocrity.

What are some of your experiences with triggering movies and television shows? Let us know, and share this post on Facebook below!

Kydee Williams is the creator of Lifestylebyky.com and Travelbyky.com. She enjoys writing about travel, relationships, books and all things that spark her interest. Inspiration is the driving force behind her creativity and when she’s not blogging she’s reading, learning how to DJ and writing TV Scripts. Lifestylebyky.com Twitter: @bykyblogs Instagram: @lifestylebyky

READ NEXT: Watching TV has gotten too complicated

history through film

Get relevant content delivered to you once a week