In school, proximity did half the work of finding friends for us. Now we juggle work, home, caregiving, and the mental load that comes with all of it. Many of us still want connection, yet the energy it takes to start something new can feel out of reach. But, I have found I just can’t live my life without community. I yearn for connection, sharing commonalities, laughing over coffee. So I began to experiment, one small step at a time, with ways that I can find and grow with others. This has not been without complexities. Building community “cold turkey” without the commonalities like work, or church requires patience and persereverance. Here is what has helped me, and what I am still learning along the way.
Join the Local Conversation
Facebook gets a lot of flack, and rightfully so. But when it comes to building a hyper localized social circle it is the single best resource I have found. My neighborhood Facebook group, while admittedly full of griping neighbors who work my nerves at time, is also an incredible way to meet people. Through the group, I sourced contractors for our home, learned about nearby events, and found women who were also looking for connection. If Facebook isn’t your thing, try Nextdoor, a neighborhood group chat, or Meetup. The point isn’t the platform it’s finding a hub that connects you to people who live close enough to become part of your everyday rhythm.
Start Something Yourself
Waiting for the perfect invite can stretch into forever. I decided to create what I needed. I started a neighborhood playgroup and invited moms to bring their kids on Thursdays. One time, only one person came. While that can be a letdown, I made sure to not let it stop me. It’s ok to feel disappointment when building, but try to remember your longterm goal and move past any hurt. Recently I put myself out there again and launched an article club—like a book club, but for people who can’t seem to finish a book. I posted the idea, and we held our first meeting at a local coffee shop. When organizing the club and the playgroup I felt discomfort about building something from scratch with mostly strangers, but it reminded me that many people want connection. They’re just usually waiting on someone else breaks the ice.
Use the Apps as Practice
I’ve also tried Bumble BFF and Peanut (a friendship app for parents). Neither has given me long-term best friends (yet), but the practice has mattered. It’s increased my comfort with introducing myself first, planning meetings and giving people grace when things don’t work out. Think of the apps like a walking trail for your social muscles. Even if one chat doesn’t turn into a years-long friendship, you’re strengthening skills that carry into the next conversation.
Be the Conversation Starter
A couple of mom friends in my life today started with a simple hello at a local restaurant or library. I noticed our kids were the same age and simply struck up conversation on the relatable aspects of our lives. Speaking first turned a glance into a relationship. You don’t need a perfect line. Try something ordinary and true to you. Compliment a book choice, ask about a toddler snack, or mention the event you both attended. Let curiosity do the heavy lifting. But remember that initial meeting must be followed up with a text or call and invitation to take the friendship further.
Detach From the Ego and Keep Going
Here’s the hardest lesson. Community building asks for resilience. People will cancel. Plans will stall. Texts will end mid-thread. It’s easy to take it personally, especially when you planned the event and cleaned or set up your space for others. I remind myself that most of us are managing lives and responsibilities that often feel burdensome. When I detach from my ego, I can try again with an open heart. The goal is bigger than a perfect RSVP list. I want a village for myself and my family. That requires patience, persistence, and a willingness to absorb a few awkward moments.
The Long Game of Connection
Adult friendship rarely arrives as instantly as it did in childhood. Think rhythm, not rush. Pick a day of the week you can usually offer up. Keep invites simple and specific. Rotate low-lift activities: a stroller walk, a coffee shop chat, a library story time, a short article discussion. Send the details, then release the outcome. If one person shows up, that’s still a real connection. Remember, it’s truly not about quantity but quality.
I’m not offering a hack. What I’ve found is a lifestyle of small bets: join the local group, start the thing you wish existed, treat apps as practice, speak first, and stay humble enough to try again. The returns are gradual but the joy is real. The point isn’t to collect contacts. It’s to build a steady circle that knows your life in the present tense. If you’re in the long haul with me, keep going. The right people are looking for you, too.