One of the reasons I wrote my life story, was to help my mother and father understand me. So, when I was nearing completion of “The Book of SunShine: A Personal Journey Through Faith, Sexuality, & Trauma” – I was super excited. I felt one step closer to an open discussion about who God created me to be.

To my dismay, my dream did not become a reality. My mother refused to read the book or have an open discussion about my journey. Her exact words were “don’t bring that sin sick book in my house.” My mother loves me deeply, and we still have a relationship, but she refuses to read the book because she feels my ability to love and be loved romantically, is against God.

My mother calls my book/memoir “sin-sick” I am neither sinful nor sick.

Why does my mother feel so strongly about reading my book and/or allowing my partner or kids in their house? Two words: faith and oppression.

My mother was born and raised in North Carolina, a small section named Indian Woods right outside of Windsor. Her faith was able to carry her through rough times such as the Jim Crow era. She was often referred to as gal, and her humanity was overlooked and marginalized. The one thing that gave her acknowledgment and hope was her faith and the church.

The faith that gives her eternal life and an opportunity to enjoy the great by and by – is the same faith that condemns the same gender loving people to hell. Dealing with oppression sometimes forces people to rely on hope and confidence to get through degradation and despair.

She lives for the “great by and by.” Her Christianity taught her if she lives right and does what the Bible teaches, we will be able to see glory. If we don’t do what the Bible tells us, in her words “hell is where you will lift your eyes.”

Growing up in the south left many African Americans holding tight to their bibles, faith, and the great by and by. So, when it comes to same gender loving relationships, she holds fast to what she believes the Bible says about the ability to love the same sex. Her focus is that God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah because of gay relationships. Contrary to popular belief, God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah because of lack of caring for the marginalized and rape culture.

My father goes back and forth between my right to love and condemnation. Despite his beliefs, he has read my book and said, “I can’t put it down. Your book is great!” Not only did he read the book, but he is also open to discussing its contents.

My father grew up in the same area of North Carolina my mother did. Even though they grew up in the same area, a significant difference in their lives would be my father had the freedom of fun that my mother did not have outside of the church. My father was able to experience the county fair every year with his family, and even attended North Carolina A&T which offered more learning and exploring outside of the church grounds. He also joined the Army and stayed in Germany and other places overseas.

This enabled my father to believe in a much bigger world than my mother’s. His lens is focused on whether you are doing right by people, being kind, paying your bills on time, seeing the world, having fun, and loving God. His expansion of the great by and by being experienced outside of the church gave him a broader scope of opportunity and freedom. Better yet my father has privilege my mother was not privy to growing up.

I am unable to change my mother’s heart and mind, but I do understand and respect her. When you believe something so genuinely, and for so long, it’s hard to put it down. I know all too well because it took me 39 years to accept my sexuality. Once upon a time, I felt the same way she does because of what I was taught. I can empathize with her spiritual conflict.

I have a small glimmer of hope that one day she will read the book and discuss it with me. The power of discourse can lead to acknowledgment, and acknowledgment opens the gate to understanding, healing, and peace.

My mother’s unwillingness to read my life story is hurtful. I am embracing my hurt by redirecting my focus from my mother to individuals willing to read the book and engage in conversations about faith, sexuality, and trauma. If you are an ally of the LGBTQ community, a part of or against the LGBTQ community let’s discuss the facts. Families are being separated, and individuals are being persecuted for the right to love and be loved.

I am using my story, my truth, and my pain to start some critical discussions…Will you join me?

The challenge is not about changing people’s minds, it’s about beginning in a place of openness, which can lead to understanding, peace, and healing. Healing starts with open dialogue.

Let’s have the robust discussions and invoke more love, healing, peace, and understanding in our families, communities, and global world.

RubyTaylor

Writing since May 2018 · 2 stories contributed