The majority of my audience is made up of women 24 years and younger. So it shouldn't surprise you when I admit that I didn't offer advice to women until recently. Most of the time their questions came down to “how do I get my boyfriend to stop taking me for granted?” or “how do I get this guy I like to like me back?”

My answer every time is: “I can’t offer you advice, I can only offer my condolences.”

I say that as a joke but it’s the truth. Women — especially younger women — have the biggest trouble making men appreciated them from the jump. So, what may seem like good advice, like: “why don’t you just go ask him out?” is a lot more complicated.

I always thought giving advice to a young man would be more up my alley. Not that I'm some casanova or anything, but because I've been through it. As I've gotten older, however, I've realized that gender doesn't really matter when it comes to valuable advice.

Give It Time

Recently, my 18-year-old nephew asked for advice about college girls. As I sat there, getting ready to tell him to do everything I didn't, I suddenly decided to change course. I thought about what I was like when I was18 and remembered that, like me, he was unlikely to retain or implement anything I was going to tell him.

In our neighborhood, if you went on a date with someone it meant you two were an item and if you guys had sex, it meant you two were getting married.

I went through my first heartbreak at 18. I loved my girlfriend. I treated other girls like the plague, convinced there was only one girl for me. Long story short, we broke up. It devastated me.

Whenever I would come home from college, I’d leave the house around the same time my ex and I did on weekends back when we dated in high school, just so people would think we're still together.

Luckily, I had a wise friend tell me that it's all about timing. Take your time to get in relationships. Take your time in breakups. In everything, take your time. And that is still applicable now.

Wake Up To What's Around You

And time is what I took. Thankfully, my eyes opened and I realized that there was a whole world of girls out there. So many, that I was mad at myself for spending all that time moping. So many, that I was afraid my head was going to explode from the options.

I say that because a lot of young men don’t get that moment of clarity. Instead, they develop unhealthy outlooks, rooted in misogyny, feelings of entitlement, possessiveness, and desire to control.

Looking back, I realized that a lot the advice I received from older guys was bad because they treated their younger years like theme parks where every desire was a must-ride. Older guys don’t consider the emotions that weigh on kids. It's always just: “man, if I was your age I would be doin’ this and that or whatever” Even worse, the advice is the same ol, same ol " don't miss out on the things in front of you" story, which is primarily based on experiences they missed themselves.

I want to give advice, but relevant advice. So wake up — don't get too invested in one experience that you miss out on another.

Guys/Girl No Matter

I've since come to the conclusion that I had it all wrong: my advice to an 18-year-old boy would be the same as it would be to an 18-year-old girl. And, while I have a lot of advice to give, it'll all be from my personal perspective based on experiences I went through. Come to think of it, I have to laugh when I remember how dumb I was. Not dumb like, “oh man, why did I do all that?” More like, “I did that? Wow, what was I thinking!”

And then it hit me: I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t winning, I wasn’t scheming, I wasn’t yearning; I was just doing. I didn’t listen to any of the advice I got from the old heads. I was probably so pent-up with hormones that all the advice I received went through one ear and out the other. It’s like that scene from The Dark Knight when the Joker used the analogy of his actions being like a dog that chases cars — just doing things just to do them. I just did things.

The Question

He didn’t come right out and say it, but he didn’t need to. Young people have a way of dancing around a question as they try to figure out how to reword things to make sure you give them the answer they want.

For example:

Nephew: “Does this girl think I like her?”

Me: “Do you like her?”

Nephew: “No.”

Me: “Then why do you care?”

Nephew: “I really don’t.”

Me: “You don’t, but it was on your mind enough to ask?”

Nephew: “I mean, nevermind.”

I could go on and on with this. There’s no advice I can give this boy — at least none that I could give that would be what he wants to hear. Because what he wants is a moving target in a dark forest with nothing but a crooked arrow to shoot with.

The Truth

When a teenager asks for advice, you'd assume they'd want you to give them a response that favors them dictating your answer. But when it comes to women, those types of answers are terrifying. This is the case because it comes with an honest forecast which reads “100% chance of screwing up.” That type of honesty will scare some guys so badly that they’ll never try.

“The truth is,” I finally say after my nephew wears me down. “I just don’t want you to think too much at this age.”

"The truth is, I don’t want you to obsess over rejection. I don’t want you to spend all your daydreams building up a perfect life with that perfect girl you’ve yet to even say hi to. I don’t want you to think you’re not enough and have to somehow “trick” somebody into liking you.

The truth is, you’re an 18-year-old young man in college. You really can’t make a mistake worth dwelling over. Please don’t ever think you don’t have time. The next “Thirsty Thursday” is just right around the corner.

This is the case if you're a man, woman or anyone. You're young and life is meant to be spent living. The simplicity of that is useful to anyone. Including myself.

K.J. Williams

Writing since January 2017 · 2 stories contributed