I’ve always been kind of a klutz. Whether it be falling flat on my face and chipping half of my tooth off in the sixth grade, or falling down the stairs in front of my high school history teacher while on crutches, I’ve always been that girl. The girl that is cute and funny. The one every guy wants to be friends with, and no girl is threatened by. I’ve been that girl my whole life and quite frankly, it really pissed me off.

I always wanted to be the type of girl that could walk into a room and command attention; be the girl that every guy wanted to talk to. College was the place I thought I could become that girl. I was ready to leave that shy, un-confident girl in the past, embrace my Sasha fierceness and be on my grown woman type shit (shoutout to Queen B). I was determined to define myself and become the girl I thought I should be.

I went out more than I ever had in high school, I had a solid group of friends and some guys actually started paying attention to me. I was moving on up. That is until one Wednesday morning during my freshman year. I had pysch 101 in a huge lecture hall with at least 200 people in it. My friend and I were in the same class and since we lived in the same building, we always walked together. We walked into the classroom and sat down, but then I had to use the bathroom; it was about 10:20 a.m. at this point. You may be questioning why I mentioned the time, but trust me, it will become important.

By the time I had used the restroom and gotten back to the lecture hall, it was around 10:27 a.m., which meant that the class was almost full, considering the class started at 10:30 a.m. I proceed to walk down the stairs to my seat. Now, if you recall my less than graceful tumble mentioned in the beginning, then you know that stairs have never wanted me to prosper. So I continued to walk down the stairs and just as I was about four stairs away from my seat, the inevitable happened. My ass went a-tumbling down those last four stairs and the only thing I could think was “Why me Lawd?” The laughter came as I sat on the last stair, trying desperately to get my life together. It was in that moment that everything I had done to define myself meant absolutely nothing, and I realized that the embarrassingly awkward and un-confident girl I had worked so hard to leave in my past was never really left in the past but rather well-hidden in the present.

Over the years, many attempts have been made to make that awkward girl disappear because I believed getting rid of her would make me better. Homegirl didn’t seem to get the hint because here I am now in graduate school and still awkward as ever. In a way, I’m grateful that that awkward girl couldn’t catch a hint because she’s actually pretty dope. She’s the life of the party; the girl everyone wants to be around. She makes things interesting and can make any and everybody laugh. She’s a great friend, hard worker and, if you ask me, pretty hilarious. Her awkwardness may irritate me at times, but I have grown an appreciation of her that can only be explained as love. Yes, you are right, this is another one of those cliché “love yourself and don’t change for anyone” stories, but I think the more stories there are about people accepting who they are and loving themselves, the better likelihood people will learn to do just that. If my freshman self knew what my graduate school self knows now, I would’ve saved myself a lot of tearful calls home and nights crying myself to sleep, wishing I was someone sexier or prettier.

So, to all the young girls out there at home, school or wherever, wishing they were less of one thing and more of another, don’t be so quick to try to change yourself. It may just be one of the best things about you. Just don’t wait until you tumble down some stairs to figure it out. Trust me, it sucks.

Kennedy Jordan

Writing since November 2017 · 1 story contributed