A few years back for my 30^th birthday, I decided to leave all the wack boys in the lurches. It’s funny because all them jokers still linger around. Apparently, the key to getting a ninjas attention is ignoring him. The more you ignore them the more they increase their presence. Go figure, right?! Anyway, I just recently had another birthday and per usual I get the “Happy birthday beautiful. Haven’t heard from you in a while. What’s good?” type messages and calls from exes and would be exes. Oh no, the message is not the problem. Baby loves a little attention and keeping in touch but just not from married or taken exes who lack chill.

Depending on the sender, I usually don’t respond or I hit them with a simple “thank you.” One guy, in particular, took it to the next level. He complimented me on my blog and my successes as he has watched from the social media sidelines. “I see you been doing your thing with DwD and speaking engagements and stuff. I’m so proud of you. Man, beauty and brains. Can’t believe you are still single though. Any dude that hasn’t chosen you by now is weak or a fool. Let me know if you need anything from me. I always got your back. We should link up soon though for drinks on me.” A fool you say? So what does that make you sir? Y’all this dude is married. Been married. I knew him when he was single. We flirted, never dated. We were socially cool and he could have dated me because we were clearly attracted to each other. We had good conversations about life and goals. He comes from a wholesome background, loved Jesus, and was definitely relationship oriented. I was just having fun in life back then. But he never asked me out or tried to get to know me more in depth. He fell off the scene for quite some time, years even. Next thing I know, he’s married.

Listen, if I had a dollar for every time a mf told me how much he misses me or tells me how great I am, I’d be Bill and Melinda Gates. But since I ain’t Billy and Mel, I pay that talk no mind. It’s probably the most offensive thing a mf can say to me these days. I really wished more women would get pissed off by these guys reaching out than they did flattered and reflective. All of that, “How you been?” “Long time no see.” “Whats been good shorty? It’s been a while” is the greatest thirst trap of the century.

Quite frankly, I don’t care how dope or how fine you think I am if you had an opportunity to seriously date me and you chose another woman, then what you think doesn’t matter! Spare me the faux validation. When it mattered, you did nothing about it. So why should I care now? Every single last one of my favorite lovers and boo thangs is in a relationship or married. And every single last one of them (and even some wannabe boos) will tell you that I’m brilliant, hilarious, sexy, strong, beautiful, talented, and loyal as f**kin golden retriever. Though I happen to agree with them, none of them…not one…chose me!

And I’m here to tell you that’s okay. In fact, it’s a great thing. I firmly believe that I have not missed what is mine to have. I just wished more women understood that. My thoughts are, if I was all of that and then some and you chose another chick, you didn’t deserve me anyway. You either didn’t know my value then or you couldn’t afford what I was worth. By the looks of things, if you’re still in my text messages, inboxes, DMs, or trying to come see me and my parents then I didn’t need ya no way. You would be doing to me what you are doing to your wife/girlfriend and to that I say no thank you.

Ladies, I swear these guys will have you thinking it was you; that you are less than, unworthy, unlovable, and undesirable. Got you lurking their old lady’s pages (sometimes even her friends’ pages) trying to figure out how she got chosen and not you. Have you questioning what you bring to the table. What she got goin' on that you don’t? What she doin’ you ain’t doin'? NOTHIN’! It has nothing to do with any of that. Listen, Imma be real. Other than timing, I don’t know the secret. I do know it’s not about looks, sex game, career, education, kids/no kids, none of that.

All I can say is, do not let him fool you into thinking he made the wrong choice. ESPECIALLY if he is still in that relationship. If it was that bad he would be calling because he is newly single and ready to make the better choice, right? If she was that bad why did he marry her? Boy bye. He doesn’t really give a damn how you are doing. He is just trying to see if you are single, bored, and desperate enough to entertain the could haves, would haves, and should haves, down memory lane with him. Don’t do it Ms. Celie. I’m tellin you, it’s the single woman’s set up. It’s bait for an affair or a headache or both.

He may very well be in a rough patch with his old lady. Or, things with them could be the best times ever. Either way, when he gets tired of this rendezvous, he is going to ease on down the road back to her. Meanwhile, you’re left with your heart dangling off your sleeve. It’s so disrespectful; not just from him but for us doing that to ourselves. You can’t save him from a decision he made without you. Those are his problems, not yours. Even as his “friend” it’s not your job to console or fix it.

It messes with the mind. I’m all about self-reflection and improvement especially when it comes to my love life. I can admit when I acted the fool or dropped the ball in a relationship. Over the years, these kinds of relationships had me questioning the vibe I was putting out. Like “what about me says I want your company even though I know you are married? Do I give off side chick vibes? Desperate vibes? What?” Then I realized it wasn’t necessarily any of that, even though we should be aware of how we position and present ourselves. Truth is, it’s a lot of men out here just “shooting they shot for 2017” with hopes that they will score. It’s up to us, ladies, to determine if they score or nah. You have all authority to Dikembe Mtumbo that fool and you should use it.

mtumbo

We deserve the real thing. We deserve to be the chosen one, not one of many. And it’s not cool for dudes to prey and play upon our vulnerabilities for them.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you are still single and haven’t found or been found yet, examine your life for these old flames that keep trying to reignite. Know that when you continue to entertain these lames you are blocking your own opportunities/blessings/vibes/waves/energies. Curving these folks says you are willing to risk two things, being alone or getting the mate of your dreams. Your life should be so dope that if you are alone you are still winning. Why? Because you already have fullness. You are complete. You are happy. You have peace. You have purpose. You have value. You have worth. You have love because you are love. Only folks scared to be alone are those that aren’t happy with themselves. Society has tricked us into thinking relationships = completion. That you could have all the status and materialistic things but without another person with whom to share it you are incomplete. That’s wrong. A relationship should be an addition. It should move you from completion to Completion + model. First, you must be complete to attract complete. Broken people attract broken people. You manifest and attract what you believe you deserve.

So, stop treating it like it’s some mystery why they keep coming back. They come back because you let them. Even the smallest response communicates to them that it’s acceptable to come back to you. Essentially you say, “I’m bored, I’m lonely, this is enough or as good as I deserve.” Guess what though? If that’s how you feel you need to be honest with yourself about that. Call a thing a thing. Just stop playing big mad and fake offended when the text, telling you what a catch you are or catching up with you to tell you how jacked up their current relationship is, turns into an advance. Get out of your own way. Stop blocking your pipeline with trash. Stop responding. Recognize and honor your own dopeness because you have created a life you love.

Therapist Dev

Writing since December 2016 · 1 story contributed