Lately, I’ve been wrestling with the complexities of many Black men. I see that Black man who shows up to community meetings, organizes for justice, the one who holds his child’s hand, the one who works multiple jobs to feed his family, the one making music, the one furthering his education, the one behind bars who just wants a chance to start over, and the one simply playing ball in the neighborhood. However, we Black women experience a darker side of Black men. At times, it seems they often feel a need to dominate the space or insert their unwarranted opinions on the identities of both cis-women and trans-women. Many brothers cat-call as women walk down the street, curse women, abuse them, rape and engage in rape culture, or violently battle amongst other men. I observe their troubled behavior and, at times, experience this harm. Yet, I remain puzzled by the beautiful and complicated art form that is Black men. As a proud aunt of two nephews, I question, at what point does a Black man go from a Black boy who is up against the world to a Black man who has adopted the evil ways of the world and cast that harm on to others with the minimal levels of privilege afforded to him through patriarchy? In asking that question, I decided to write this note regarding Black Men. The ones we no longer see as children and the ones who lack our empathy when they are problematic.Through my revolutionary duty to love, I must remind Black men that Black women are aware of the conditions against them. However, oppression is real for All Black people and a commitment to self-transformation from Black men will lessen their ability to be harmful and promote healing for us all.

Sometimes we forget that we did not decide the social systems that define our being. As children, we learn to say please and thank you, just as Black girls learn to cover up, and Black boys learn not to cry when they feel pain. Our Black men were once told that they are less than men if they cry or admit that they are hurt. Over time, that practice evolves into misdirected anger informed by pain accumulated over their lifetimes. Anger can manifest through depression, violence toward other men, women, queer persons, and trans people. There exists no justification for said violence. With that said, in order to heal, we, Black men included, have to unpack the conditions that plague our brothers.

A good number of Black men did not choose the oppressive patriarchal norms that they adhere to; learning patriarchy was like learning how to walk. You learn and forgot how you learned because it became so routine. We see manipulative male dominance at a very early age when we teach girls that a boy is fond of her when he picks on her; thus, teaching the young boy that bullying and chastising is how to get a feminine presenting person to take interest in you. Later on in life, we see men believing they can control how a woman responds to them through actions such as street harassing, degradation, or emotional manipulation.

While thinking about the ways that Black men perpetuate patriarchy, we ought to not forget that this oppressive system also harms them. Where in it is the lesson on how to love, forgive, or trust? Where in patriarchy, especially heteronormative patriarchy, does it teach our Black men humility? Does it teach them that they can embrace their mind, soul, and their ability to safely express emotion? Where does it teach them that pride should not come from the amount of women or men who sexually validate them? Or that their ego should not be built on how their brothers praise them for "pulling" women? When thinking about Black male accountability, we must not forget all that they experience and all that they were not taught because of gender constructs.

The system Black men are born into simply does not want them to love themselves or to love or those around them. Whether the racial caste paints him as a violent brute or gender norms that tell him that he lacks emotional capacity or hetero-normativity instructs him that to lead is to dominate and silence, our Black man was never given a chance to just exist, to grow, or to understand himself.

As a Black woman, I am committed to dismantling all of the pain and oppression brought against our men. However, men must do their part to decolonize from the problematic behaviors in which they have been conditioned. Organizers around the globe are laboring to dismantle structural heteronormative patriarchy, but there are things Black men should do on an individual level.

Find out what it means to exist without the societal definitions of who you should be or what you should do. Define yourself for yourself. Define your manhood and your masculinity without definitions created by the same world that seeks to harm you.
Convince yourself that your life matters absent of your production power. your sexual activity, your ability to prove someone wrong, your ability to manipulate women, your ability to get/pull/ bag (depending on what region you’re from) women, and your ability to be physically stronger than the next person. None of that makes you a man.
Show up and fight for All Black Lives. If you believe Black Lives Matter, then you can not limit blackness to those who look like you or those whose gender and sexuality that you assume to be “normal.” Black people are women, gay, lesbian, transgender, queer, and more. Their life does not matter any less because of it. We advocate for you and we need you to be there for us.
Be honest with yourself in unpacking how you have learned and actively participate in the oppression of other Black people.
Look inside and realize that you have the power to be healers, creators, lovers, caregivers, protectors, and more. Understand that it is ok to feel and constructively express pain; but, also understand, you have the innate power to transform yourself into better and to revolutionize our communities. If each of you did not have this gift, then there would not be so much effort to hinder it. Simply take a look at the public executions of our Black men, mass incarceration, our low-income communities, the idea that you can only play sports, a lack of investment in the schools you attend. These are all indicators that oppressive systems are aware of your power and want to blind you to it. The haters are blocking, but reclaim your power and prosper. You depend on it.
Listen to the powerful message from Tiana Marie Speaks on “Black Man With the Black Hands” (on YouTube)

As mentioned before, this is not a note to excuse the violence (whether physical, psychological, emotional or material) that has come through Black men. However, I understand how systems of repression work to obliterate them and I sincerely apologize to all Black men for having to navigate through a society that would rather lynch them. This is not true of Black Women. You are our brothers, cousins, nephews, sons, peers, and lovers. We want you to live. We don't want to keep seeing you hurt and we don't want you hurting us. Black men are fluid and their position in society allows them to be both victims and victimizers. Let us all learn how to turn that pain into power. May we learn to not cause pain because of the pain born to us. Black men, I love you.

Let us fight the progress of All Black Lives.

StormErvin

Writing since July 2017 · 1 story contributed